My brother Joel sent this to me...yes great taste runs in the family

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts. They are things people ACTUALLY said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Enjoy!







ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?



WITNESS: No, I just lie there.



__________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?



WITNESS: Gucci sweats and



Reeboks.



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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?



WITNESS: Yes..



ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?



WITNESS: I forget.



ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?



WITNESS: We both do.



ATTORNEY: Voodoo?



WITNESS: We do.



ATTORNEY: You do?



WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.



__________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,



he doesn't know about it until the next morning?



WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



__________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?



WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.



__________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?



WI TNESS: Are you shittin' me?







__________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?



WITNESS: Yes.



ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?



WITNESS: Uh..... I was gettin' laid.



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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?



WITNESS: Yes.



ATTORNEY: How many were boys?



WITNESS: None.



ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?



WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.



Can I get a new attorney?



__________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?



WITNESS: By death.



ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?



WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?



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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?



WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.



ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?



WITNESS: Guess.



__________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a



deposition



notice which I sent to your attorney?



WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



__________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?



WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?



__________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?



WITNESS: Oral.



_________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?



WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.



ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?



WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!



_________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?



WITNESS: Huh.....are you qualified to ask that question?



_________________________________________________________







And the best for last: DRUM ROLL PLEASE! . . . .







ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?



WITNESS: No.



ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?



WITNESS: No.



ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?



WITNESS: No.



ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?



WITNESS: No.



ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?



WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.



ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?



WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.